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Thursday, December 8, 2011

TMI THURSDAY!

Now that the shock and awe has worn off from yesterday's '25 things you may not know about me' I thought I would take the time to explain how I number twelve’d on my husband John’s foot.

Now before I get to the nitty gritty I want to give you a little insight on how it all came about. You see my husband and I got married after being in a relationship for over year however in that time we had only spent four months physically together. He had joined the Marine Corps so most of our time together was really spent apart.  Hell, even after we got married we spent over a month apart so he could get things ready for us.

We didn’t have much in the beginning living as husband and wife. Fortunately enough the Marine Corps gave us a beautiful two story town home. All of our furnishing and belongings consisted of an air mattress a thirteen inch black and white television, a radio, two pillows, one quilt, two bicycles and our clothes.

After three months of sitting on an air mattress to watch television and sleep my husband came home with an awesome gift. He had scored us an actual couch, bed, end tables, and twenty-six inch color TV with a built in VCR (that’s the way people watched movies at home before DVD’s. Google it.) That night we decided to celebrate our rise in living condition by going out for Chinese food.

With our bellies full and our spirits high we came home to a better place. As I plopped down on my new found 70’s throw back floral print couch, my husband decides to lay down a ground rule. To inaugurate the furnishing properly he insisted we lay together on it watching television naked.

Now this wouldn’t bother most people but I was very self-conscious back then.  When I first met John I was what I ought a cute seventy eight pounds thanks to my heavy drug use. Once he found out how I kept my girlish figure he threw down an ultimatum and out went my tiny physic. Within two months of being clean I had blown up to a whopping one hundred eighty five pounds. Needless to say my self-confidence had taken a few blows.

So the thought of actually laying there naked terrified me. After much persistence my husband won the ‘Nude or Not to Nude’ debate. But I had a trick up my sleeve. Pretending to be cold I grabbed our California King Size quilt and hid myself under it. After five minutes of cuddling with him I decided to lay on the other end of the couch with my feet near his torso. Annoyed with my lack of affection and short cuddle time, he slid his feet under my butt. “You either cuddle or keep my feet warm.” Are words he never thought he’d regret.

As we laid there watching Primal Fear for the fiftieth time in two months, I felt a gurgling in my tummy. Thinking it was only gas I held it back. I mean you couldn’t really expect me to poot in front of my husband. Yes I said poot. Women don’t fart, we poot.  Men fart. Now mind you every time I have needed to release a little pressure I have always walked outside, gone to the bathroom or found some other room. But tonight I was naked. No way was I going to get up and let my husband see me naked.

 Anyways, the gurgling started to become a little much. After deciding releasing just a tiny bubble would make a world of difference, I did. Now, when I did this I knew it didn’t feel right but I shrugged it off as just being uncomfortable in my situation. Then it happened!

Rising up from the couch as if he were Bela Lugosi in 1931’s Dracula, my husband stared at me with the true look of fear. Seconds that seemed to be eternity passed before he said the words that would forever haunt me.

“Did you just s*** on my foot?”
“No.” I replied sheepishly

“No! I think you just s*** on my foot!”  He exclaimed as he threw the quilt off of us. As the quilt landed on the floor, I was suddenly hit with panic. I had indeed poo’ed on his foot. Fearing further humiliation, I bolted up the stairs clinching my butt cheeks together locking myself in the bathroom.

Being the great hubby he is he sat at the door first telling me it was okay then moved onto to joking about how he didn’t know I was into the sort of thing. Finally, after forty five minutes of crying I opened the door to a poopy footed husband who still loved me and saw past the grossness and saw the cuteness.

To this day he brings it up even though I’ve gone without an accident in eleven years. I’ve learned to laugh about it. Maybe you can to.

12 comments:

  1. GIRRRRRL! I laughed OUT LOUD to this one. I love it- and very much love your confidence to share something so personal.
    awesome story!
    Now, I challenge ANYONE out there to top it. LOL

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  2. LMFAO! My gut hurts from laughing so hard. lol This was great! Thank you so much for sharing with us. I did need a good laugh. I love ya, lady! xo

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  3. You are so awesome! That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time and it proves that you and your hubby are truly meant to be together. Thank you for the laugh this morning. xoxo

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  4. Oh Heaven. Oh...oh my goodness. That is so hysterically funny and so mortifying for you, but oh I can't stop laughing. Maybe I'll be brave and post an accident story too. Sadly it involved the police being called, and a crying child locked in a running van. I try not to think about it.

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  5. Oh! How delightfully funny. And cute. Would it be weird if I found this romantic?

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  6. lmao Heaven- thanks for making laugh so hard today- as they say...sh*t happens

    Dawne

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  7. Very funny! Thanks for having the guts to share this. I especially like how you've managed to go the last 11 years without an accident. Very classic. So glad you found a keeper hubby.

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  8. *pushes back chair, stands and salutes*

    You are badass, my friend! Much braver than I would have been to tell that story. Too funny!

    -Jimmy

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  9. lmao! i was laughing so hard i cried and pooted at the same time! :)

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  10. LMAO, so funny... I had something funny happen to me, but my Hubby didn't know it until I told him about it... We were spooning while going to sleep, he feel asleep, and I had to poot, Well I didn't want to wake him so I just held it and went to sleep... The next thing I know I wake myself up by pooting, scared the crud outta me, lol the Hubby was still snoring. I didn't tell him till a few years later =D

    Emily T

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  11. ROFL Emily. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad I could share this experience with you all even though it was quite embarrassing at the time.

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  12. oh my gosh... i love you more every time i read something about you... i thought throwing up on my husband was bad... you make me smile every time... you truly are an amazing woman... and i am greatful for even knowing you virtually! please dont ever feel you are anything short of amazing! Love and Belief! a True Fan! Ker

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